i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
