Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
