ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you never un-have a 4some
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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