Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion