He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
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We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...