Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men