For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
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What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"