Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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