I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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