I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
