I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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