i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
