i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
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herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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