I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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