Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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