It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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