found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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