btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
