her vagine was all disorganized.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
