My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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