I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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