A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
