I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
