I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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