He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
