i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize