I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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