I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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