he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
