your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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