my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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