she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
