every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
