Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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