No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
