i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
