Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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