So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
