My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
