..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
