you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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