I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
