You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
