i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
