i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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