I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ladies don't puke and tell
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