I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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