I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
