we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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