Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
soo... how was my night?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
