I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
