Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
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Do I have a choice?
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
