First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
