I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
