I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
