O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
