So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
