apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
