Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
being pregnant is like rehab
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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