my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
