I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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