My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just found a bag of teeth...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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