I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
