I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
