you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
