I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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